Being the child of an alcoholic parent, at least for me, has instilled in me the desire to be accepted. There is always a feeling of being different, somehow, even if that knowledge didn't come from experience. I was the oldest child and, because of my mother's inadequacies, often put in a position to meet the needs of my younger siblings. More often than not, I lived in total chaos, never knowing what to expect. All of this also added to my longing for control.

The biggest thing that I struggle with as a Christian is feeling accepted. It seems that I somehow just never seem to fit in with my peers. It is as if every time I befriend someone, there is some circumstance that takes them away from me. Either physically or emotionally. I don't trust easily, but when I do, it is whole-heartedly. Unfortunately however, I feel as if every time I've given myself over completely in a friendship, that bond is severed when an event arises that separates us, either through a physical change or a disagreement; resulting in anger, hurt, and disappointment. I may allow a single stitch, or even two, of repair to take place, but I never fully give out the trust again.

My husband once told me that I look for reasons to blame myself for the adversity in my relationships with others; that somehow, I believe that it is all my fault when things go wrong. There is much truth to that statement. I remember as a child thinking, 'if only I was good enough, then my mom wouldn't get drunk or my dad wouldn't yell'.

After sharing my life and testimony with several people from church, someone told me that I, although my past was sad, used it as a reason to be angry as an adult. There is much truth to that statment. I think, all the time, that as Christians, my friends should accept me the way I am (like Christ accepts me). This bothers me more and more because I keep hearing that our testimony is something that no one can take away from us and that we should share it. Since that occurrence, I've packed it away and feel loathe to share it further.

My brothers are both in bondage now. One figuratively and the other, literally. Praise the Lord! my youngest brother (the incarcerated one) has found Christ and accepted Him as his Saviour! My other brother lives an alternative lifestyle. Recently he was here for a family death and while he was here, I asked him to go to church for me. He did come but he didn't stay long...
My family and I have also asked him to move back to the area; he lives in Colorado now. He said he'd think about it and when the time is right for him, he would. He called me the other day and before he hung up, he said, "I don't really want to get into this now, but I am still considering moving back." I just listened. He then went on, "It is just that I'm struggling with feeling loved or feeling accepted. If I stay here, then I'm accepted and not loved; if I come back, then I'll feel loved but won't be accepted."

I keep going back to that conversation in my mind. I remained quiet throughout and didn't offer the most obvious (at least to me), "don't those two go hand-in-hand?" But really do they? They should. Unfortunately, until we all get to heaven, it is probably more untrue than true.

So then you are no longer strangers and aliens, but you are fellow citizens with the saints, and are of God's household, Ephesians 2:19

So now here I am, sitting here, almost rambling on...my thoughts whirling and twirling about.

This morning at church, I commented on something and then felt like I had to defend it later. I didn't say anything bad, I just felt like I was misunderstood. This is the case most Sundays for me and it seems like it has been going on for a very long time now. I feel like I'm walking on egg shells and like, at any moment, I'm going to explode from having to keep all of me inside. And the more I try to explain or defend myself, the bigger the pit of loneliness becomes. I told my husband while we were driving home that maybe God is just keeping me there (feeling unaccepted and for the most part, friendless) because He wants me to rely solely on Him. He knows my heart, He knows that if I start to feel accepted, then I will whole-heartedly delve into that relationship and drift away from Him. My husband said that maybe there are just too many people that don't follow Christ's example and accept me like He does.

And then I remember what my brother said about acceptance and love. And I keep thinking about it. And praying about it.

and His Word comes to me; the passage that first brought me back to Him after turning my back on Him 20 (plus) years ago:

...we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body. For we who live are constantly being delivered over to death for Jesus' sake, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death works in us, but life in you. But having the same spirit of faith, according to what is written, "I believed, therefore I spoke", we also believe, therefore also we speak; knowing that He who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and will present us with you. For all things are for your sakes, that the grace which is spreading to more and more people may cause the giving of thanks to abound to the glory of God. Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal.
2 Corinthians 4:8-18

and I think about my brother's struggle and how closely it is related to mine and I remember:

1 Corinthians 13:1-13
...But now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

and finally, as our pastor spoke from the pulpit this morning, teaching us that
~ His grace is SUFFICIENT for me. ~