Growing up, whenever I'd get to feeling sorry for myself or lamenting about some such thing, my grandmother would always say, "Count your blessings". I've been having a tough time, emotionally, of late. The one-year anniversary of my mother's passing is approaching and the thought that goes through my mind most often is how much her life affected my dad, me, my brothers, and our kids. Our lives, as children, were full of turmoil, insecurity, doubt, fear, longing and disappointment. I know as an adult, and especially as a Christian, I have the responsibility of rising above my past and the heartache. The "but" that follows is not about me, per se, but about those that I love; about their eternal futures. I don't know their hearts for sure, but I'm very uncertain that I will get to spend eternity with them. That saddens me beyond description. You would think that belonging to an evangelical church would be a source that could contend with that, but alas, that is not the case. In fact, this is exactly the reason for my state of mind of late. Instead of having a mentor that I can turn to and ask for guidance, my mentor is mad at me for something she thought I said. Instead of having a pastor that I can trust my children with, I have a pastor that chose to be inappropriate with my child, not once or twice, but three times. Instead of having a nursery I can rely on to watch my babies while I'm getting some much-needed spiritual food, I have a short-staffed nursery that has no director. I am lost and struggling with despair. I'm incredibly angry and bitter toward my brother's ex-wife and the part she's played in my brother's woes. I want to reach out and have some human contact and compassion. I know I have a Heavenly Father that will NEVER forsake me, I know that the church is just people, people that are just like me, not perfect. I know all these things. But...my father is lost and I don't know how to reach him. My brothers are incredibly lost and their physical lives are in jeopardy and I'm just so sad. Instead of being able to reach out to my church for help, I'm having to contend with petty issues and gossip. I'm frustrated and lonely.
Just writing this, I'm going to be facing the flak of someone thinking that this is about them and then they'll get mad at me. I have SO many people mad at me because I have voiced MY concerns, opinions, and beliefs that I feel like I'm looked upon as the plague!
Now, I can hear my grandmother's voice: "Count your blessings"
1. My salvation
2. My husband
3. Stevie
4. Makenzie
5. Zoe
6. Isaac
7. My home
8. My health
9. My material possessions
10. My freedom
11. My family
12. My friends
13. The beauty in this world
14. The memory of my grandmother
15. My abilities
16. My talents
17. My gifts
18. The Bible
19. Technology
20. Medicine
21. The kindness of strangers
22. Free will
23. Music
24. Art
25. Literature
26. The countless generosities that have been shown to me.
27. My zeal
28. My education
29. Hope
30. Faith
31. Courage
32. Endurance
33. Determination
34. The opportunity to home school my children
35. The Holy Spirit
36. Intercessory prayer
37. My morality
38. Lessons learned from past mistakes
39. The chance to teach those lessons to my kids
40. My dreams
41. Coffee
42. My sense of humor
43. The ability to forgive
44. The forgiveness I've received
45. Fond childhood memories
46. My hobbies
47. My senses
48. My sanity
49. The self-control I do possess
50. The ability to learn
51. The love of very good friends

I hope you've made it through this list. I know it would be easier to just remember all the bad stuff that I mentioned in the beginning, but it would be so much more meaningful to remember the list I compiled. Maybe to offer suggestions for additions...or maybe you can create your own list. Whatever your choice, I'm grateful that you took the time to read what I wrote--to listen to me, so to speak. I know I'll get through this funk, because I do have all those items listed above to remind me of what is important and enduring.