As you know, I've been lamenting of late...thinking that Jesus doesn't love me or that maybe my faith is too little. I have been struggling with this emotion of sadness over my brother's imprisonment. Always, when I think of him and his life, which has been spent in and out of prison for the entirety of his adult life, I think of my mom. I don't blame my mom, per se, but the sin that perpetuated in and through her life and in our lives. The absence of a role model, the hopelessness and futility that we learned from her life. I am saddened beyond description and feel like so much time has been a waste.

I can see the end, though, how God can (and Lord willing, will) work in my brother's life (and mine, no less) to His glory. I can see the bigger and better picture with ease. That should comfort me, and hopefully now, with realization, it will.

I was struggling with feeling like I was being held captive in my anger and sorrow.

I'm in a women's Bible study called Drawing Closer. I find myself doing the entire week's lesson on the day of the class, rushing because the kids' school work, Isaac and Zoe's needs, and housework always seem to take precedence. There is usually one theme I'm able to glean from each lesson and then during our class discussion and the "lecture" which follows my understanding of the chapter (John) is made clearer. For the last several weeks, it has been like the words you are trying so hard to think of are on the tip of your tongue. My clarity has been disabled because I've allowed the enemy to whisper to me..."Jesus doesn't love you" and "your faith is too little". But now, oh what joy...even in the sorrow...

John 11:35 says "Jesus wept."

My first interpretation was that He was sad, sad for Lazarus' death, sad for Martha and Mary, sad for the lost and the disobedient, sad for His own impending death. While this interpretation is true, it is not complete. He was sad AND angry. Sad and angry for the sin that perpetuated in and through the lives of all these lost souls and even the sin that dwelled among His own.

My heart's desire is to be like Jesus and learning that being sad and angry over the effect sin has had in my life and in the lives of those that I love is one step closer to Him.

Praise the Lord!